The story continues…
“You don’t have a gun or a weapon on you that can hurt me do you?”
After I regained my composure on the side of the expressway upon hearing from my son that Cindy was safe—and alive—I waited for the Illinois State Police to arrive.
All I knew at that moment of crisis was that I still felt lost. This situation was unchartered territory for me. I was forced to rely on others for my next step.
As I watched three State Troopers vehicles arrive on the accident scene 35 minutes after the crash, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Better late than never!
The troopers was so kind and empathetic, unlike the initial emergency workers who barely acknowledged my existence—my fault for having unrealistic expectations.
There’s a lesson here: Not everyone can give you what you need in the moment. The fire fighters and ambulance crew had a specific job to do—care the critical needs.
While I felt alone and isolated, I wasn’t in immediate danger. They did their job and took care of my wife who needed their attention and skill much more than me.
Here’s another interesting part of the story: While literally hundreds of cars drove passed the scene and took the time to gawk at the wreck, no one stopped—no one.
But who am I too judge. I’ve done the same thing before and driven past carnage on the side of the road too busy with my own agenda to do more than just slow down.
As I reflect on that idea right now, I’m reminded that while it would be nice for people to take an interest, they can’t offer any real assistance—they typically get in the way.
The same is true in your life as well. Often in times of tragedy when it feels like the world is crumbling around you, having people give you attention feels good, right?
And while that is a basic human need, the truth of the matter is that you don’t need them to ‘stop’ unless they have the expertise and experience you require at the time.
Should we do more than slow down sometimes? Absolutely. But there’s no reason to linger in the chaos of the crisis when it’s beyond the scope of your skills or knowledge.
I have encountered that situation countless times in my life. People call me for help. And while I’d love to be of service, I know the best I can offer is a referral to experts.
Nobody driving by had a tow truck. They weren’t medically trained. Sometimes our best intentions to help only make matters worse if we don’t know what we’re doing.
Back to the scene: Before the big yellow tow truck hauled my car away, the officers went into action, “Mr. Eldred, your wife is stable. Your car is destroyed.” Succinct.
Upon discovering that we lived four hours away in Michigan, the trooper in charge said, “We’re going to help you clean out your car and then get you to your wife.”
And that’s all I needed—a plan. I needed someone else to make some decisions for me. Many times in life, we need the same. We need someone else to intervene for us.
I deal with this scenario almost daily with people I counsel and leaders I mentor. Nine times out of ten, they reach out for assistance because they don’t know what they need.
The police knew exactly what I needed that day: stability and reassurance. And they provided both—complete strangers—with the perspective to see what I couldn’t.
As I sat in the back of the cruiser en route to the hospital to see Cindy, the young officer said, “You don’t have a gun or a weapon on you that can hurt me do you?”
“I should have probably asked you that before, huh?” He was safe with me. And I was safe with him. But that’s not always the case when dealing with people in times of crisis.
Sometimes in our desperate need, we can hurt people—even people trying to help. When we aren’t thinking straight, we can become belligerent or abusive to others.
And sometimes, people who are trying to help us can also do us damage. So we have to use great discernment before naively getting in the back of a metaphorical cruiser.
So I want to draw seven life lessons from my situation that day to help you the question, “Who can you trust?” I hope will help you in your life when crisis hits.
Look for Professionalism and Expertise: Just like the troopers who arrived with a clear plan, in times of crisis, seek those who demonstrate professionalism and expertise. These people often have the training and to provide effective assistance.
Assess Their Ability to Provide Stability: In a crisis, you need anchors—people who can offer stability and reassurance. This might not always be the ones closest to you, but rather those who can maintain a calm, composed demeanor.
Recognize the Limits of Good Intentions: The bystanders who drove past the accident remind us that good intentions aren't always enough. Trust should be placed in those who have the capacity to be truly helpful in your specific situation.
Understand the Role of Empathy: Empathy is crucial, but it must be coupled with action. The emergency workers may have seemed indifferent, but their role was vital in a different way. Trust those who balance empathy with action.
Beware of Potential Harm: Just as I pondered the officer's question about weapons, remember in a crisis, everyone is under stress. Be cautious and about who you allow into your space because stress can affect behavior unpredictably.
Seek Those Who Offer Perspective: In my moment of need, the police provided a perspective I couldn’t see. Look for people who can offer a viewpoint or solution that you might not have considered, especially when you're overwhelmed.
Trust, But Verify: Just as the officer eventually asked if I had a weapon, it's important to trust but also to verify. In a crisis, take a moment to assess the trustworthiness of those offering help. Quick judgment can be crucial.
In the chaos of a crisis, identifying who you can trust is both challenging and essential. The lessons from my experience on the expressway are a microcosm of larger truths about trust in times of turmoil. Look for professionalism, stability, empathy, and perspective. Be cautious, yet open to help. And most importantly, understand that sometimes the best help comes from those you might not expect. In crisis, as in life, the ability to discern who to trust can make all the difference. ◼︎
This was so powerful. I found myself having to step away and compose myself a few times, literally catching my accelerated breath.
“We’re going to help you clean out your car and then get you to your wife.” I cannot imagine how soothing and assuring and acknowledging those words felt in that very moment.
Sometimes our humanity is found in the simplicity. Keep sharing. Keep writing. Keep healing.